well.......thats a pretty deep subject

life is so fucked up
i have great kids, a great husband, great pets, but nothing else is great
family isnt great, no friends, stuck here 24/7 being mom
im too blah..and frankly just don't give a shit.. to even take the kids to the park
on a sunny day
how crappy is that?
i want my step daughter to go away so i can have more time and energy for my kids..i feel so fucking crappy..the worst mom ever...but unlike the rest of my fucked up family, i kept all my kids.
my husband is great..he tries.. but since i dont know what i want or need to make me "happy" he cant help me..i have no "give  a damn" for myself..im fat(180 at 5'2)lazy, bored, sad, depressed, angry at my mom for dying, angry at my family for being a bunch of selfish jerks, and most of all, angry at myself.  for everything. for being fat, lazy, and worthless. i have everything. kids, husband, house, my own car(but i never go anywhere)anything i want, i can have. thats how awesome my husband is. but im still nothing inside. i just sit. watching my kids grow. not being a part of it. im a sideliner. i hated my mom for it, and look at me. just like her. so sad. need to be so much more. i can be so much more. i want to be so much more. i feel the black goo stuck to my feet that won't let me go. it gets thicker and thicker. the fumes coming off of it make me sick, inside and out. my daughter tells me im pretty. but all i feel is uglyness. how do i get out of this? ive been here so long, stuck in the deep sorrow. i miss my mom. everyday i think of her.
i want friends. but im to scared to make any. what if they dont like me. what if im stupid. or boring. everybody tells me im a bitch and say the wrong things. i try not to. i try to be nice. maybe im just to sad and angry to care.
i love my kids so much. i should be happier when they bring home art projects they made me. or when my little man masters his domain, i just be overjoyed. but im not. i just dont care. just leave mommy alone. im busy. busy with what. i dont know. nothing should be more important than my kids. why cant i see that everyday?
so maybe an appointment. maybe they can help. get on those fucking pills the doctors think i should be on. i dont want to be dependent on a fucking pill to function and be happy. ok. time to go.....