mama........

I miss you so much mom. I have been doin pretty good with you being gone. But for some reason today, I am not. I miss you. I want you here. I need you here. My heart aches and screams for my mommy. I don't know what to do with out you. You were my rock. my best friend. My everything. i miss you. Everything is so messed up. Leslie won't talk to me again. I have no idea what I did. Dad is so lonely, mom. He misses yo so much. He is having a hard time. Ernie isn't helping dad with anything. Lisa isn't around.  Our sweet Alexis is turning 10 tomorrow. Can you believe it? 10. Holy shit. She is growing up so fast. She even has boobs now. You can't really be gone. I still need you here. We still need you here. I feel a breakdown coming. Why didn't you tell us you were sick? We deserved to know. You left us with no warning. You didn't even have a will or anything. What were you expecting us to do? I didn't get to say good bye.

death

You were there when I took my first breath. I was holding your hand when you took your last. I was there. You called me Saturday night. I said I love you. I should've came to see you. I wish I would've went to you then. Before the "comfort care". I stayed with you all day Sunday thru the "comfort care" . It didn't make you comfortable. Or us. It just knocked you out. Such pain. Agony. I am so sorry. I had to go home to my family. I had to leave you. They needed me. I needed them. I came back Monday morning. We shared stories while you went. We kissed you and rubbed you and tried to make you feel ok about your death. But were you really there? You sneaked thru a few times on Sunday and smiled at us, said you loved us. But in the end, I think you were already gone. You are one stubborn old lady, mom. I love you so much and wish your passing could've been the way you wanted it, at home. I'm sorry. You had everybody there with you. Dad, me, Lisa, Leslie, Joyce, Judy, Ernie, Anthony, and Marty called you and I held the phone to your ear so he could have some closure. I hope you heard him. He loves you. Wow. The tears are free and can't rein them in. All these feelings of loss, sadness, wish I would'ves and such. Hard to type thru the blur.

heart ache.....

Hey Mom, It's been almost 2 months since you died. Tomorrow actually. It hurts.
 Last weekend we took you to the coast to sprinkle you at the beach. Boy, does that sound weird.... John and me had Eddie in our car. Papa took all three girls and Ernie. Leslie, Eric, Anthony, and Cassie went in their car. We met Joyce, Bill and fam at Sunset beach.
Daddy let Joyce pick the spot. It was a nice spot but.....not the right one. It didn't feel right. You need to feel the sand between your toes and the waves beat your legs. Feel the spray of the sea on your face. We had to hike a long uphill trail to get there, John carrying Eddie and the diaper bag, and then when we get there, the cliff was surrounded by a fence. I'm not taking my kids out on a cliff. I could just feel you telling me not to do it. So me and my fam left. My heart was so broken. I didn't get to say good bye that day. Daddy didn't know we had left, he was in his own world. So sad. 

Daddy misses you so much.

He had to hold you one last time.

Leslie read the passage you picked out of your book "The Prophet"

    

      (pages 87 and 88 out of the book The Prophet)
      Then Almitra spoke, saying, We would ask now of Death.
      And he said:
      You would know the secret of death.
      But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
      The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.
      If you would indeed behold the spirit of death,open your heart wide unto the body of life.
      For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.
      In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
      And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
      Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.
      Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shephard when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.
      Is the shephard not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
      Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?
      For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
      And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it   may rise and expand and seek God unemcumbered?
      Only when you drink from th eriver of silence shall you indeed sing.
      And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
      And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.

Bye Mom

So anyways........Daddy gave me the rest of your ashes and me and my family are going to take you over to the coast and have our own thing. I want to take you to the sand and the sea.
It was a beautiful day. Afterward, we all went to Horsfalls and played on the beach. Daddy got to fly his kites. We ended up having a long and fun day, despite my heartache.......

Hi.....

My beautiful mom, Linda

Well Mom, Here i am. I hope you get all these thoughts and stories. I am always thinking to myself when cool things happen, "I should tell mom", but then I remember....your dead. You left me. And then I cry. So I was hoping that if I was able to write to you, maybe it will help me get thru my day's and nite's..... I love you and miss you o'so much.