It's been a while....

Jeeze. It's been a long time since I was here. Not sure why. Maybe because I have way to much to say. This started out to be a blog I could write things that I wanted to tell my mom who passed 3 years ago. But.....I think this needs to be an everything blog. What ever I want to say to who ever wants to read it. And just so ya know, I will use bad language. And make fun of people. And call my kids all sorts of names. Because I love them and won't say it to their face. All real moms have horrible feelings and words they want to say, but feel guilty for them. Not me !! With 4 kids and a husband, I have A LOT of words !!

Any wayz.....here's to a new beginning!!

.....

i had a better day today
i kept my oldest home from school and spent the day with her...felt really good
shes been kinda pushed aside, since the youngest was born and the step daughter came to live with us.
its one of those things that i know is going wrong, but dont have the energy to fix.
so my neice lives here in our town now. she moved here from the east coast. i love her tons. we get along great...but she is very self centered and only thinks of her and hers. i only get phone calls when she needs me to baby sit. thats it. i see her when she occasionally comes to pick up her kid.
i gotta go, to distracted to type.......

well.......thats a pretty deep subject

life is so fucked up
i have great kids, a great husband, great pets, but nothing else is great
family isnt great, no friends, stuck here 24/7 being mom
im too blah..and frankly just don't give a shit.. to even take the kids to the park
on a sunny day
how crappy is that?
i want my step daughter to go away so i can have more time and energy for my kids..i feel so fucking crappy..the worst mom ever...but unlike the rest of my fucked up family, i kept all my kids.
my husband is great..he tries.. but since i dont know what i want or need to make me "happy" he cant help me..i have no "give  a damn" for myself..im fat(180 at 5'2)lazy, bored, sad, depressed, angry at my mom for dying, angry at my family for being a bunch of selfish jerks, and most of all, angry at myself.  for everything. for being fat, lazy, and worthless. i have everything. kids, husband, house, my own car(but i never go anywhere)anything i want, i can have. thats how awesome my husband is. but im still nothing inside. i just sit. watching my kids grow. not being a part of it. im a sideliner. i hated my mom for it, and look at me. just like her. so sad. need to be so much more. i can be so much more. i want to be so much more. i feel the black goo stuck to my feet that won't let me go. it gets thicker and thicker. the fumes coming off of it make me sick, inside and out. my daughter tells me im pretty. but all i feel is uglyness. how do i get out of this? ive been here so long, stuck in the deep sorrow. i miss my mom. everyday i think of her.
i want friends. but im to scared to make any. what if they dont like me. what if im stupid. or boring. everybody tells me im a bitch and say the wrong things. i try not to. i try to be nice. maybe im just to sad and angry to care.
i love my kids so much. i should be happier when they bring home art projects they made me. or when my little man masters his domain, i just be overjoyed. but im not. i just dont care. just leave mommy alone. im busy. busy with what. i dont know. nothing should be more important than my kids. why cant i see that everyday?
so maybe an appointment. maybe they can help. get on those fucking pills the doctors think i should be on. i dont want to be dependent on a fucking pill to function and be happy. ok. time to go.....

mama........

I miss you so much mom. I have been doin pretty good with you being gone. But for some reason today, I am not. I miss you. I want you here. I need you here. My heart aches and screams for my mommy. I don't know what to do with out you. You were my rock. my best friend. My everything. i miss you. Everything is so messed up. Leslie won't talk to me again. I have no idea what I did. Dad is so lonely, mom. He misses yo so much. He is having a hard time. Ernie isn't helping dad with anything. Lisa isn't around.  Our sweet Alexis is turning 10 tomorrow. Can you believe it? 10. Holy shit. She is growing up so fast. She even has boobs now. You can't really be gone. I still need you here. We still need you here. I feel a breakdown coming. Why didn't you tell us you were sick? We deserved to know. You left us with no warning. You didn't even have a will or anything. What were you expecting us to do? I didn't get to say good bye.

death

You were there when I took my first breath. I was holding your hand when you took your last. I was there. You called me Saturday night. I said I love you. I should've came to see you. I wish I would've went to you then. Before the "comfort care". I stayed with you all day Sunday thru the "comfort care" . It didn't make you comfortable. Or us. It just knocked you out. Such pain. Agony. I am so sorry. I had to go home to my family. I had to leave you. They needed me. I needed them. I came back Monday morning. We shared stories while you went. We kissed you and rubbed you and tried to make you feel ok about your death. But were you really there? You sneaked thru a few times on Sunday and smiled at us, said you loved us. But in the end, I think you were already gone. You are one stubborn old lady, mom. I love you so much and wish your passing could've been the way you wanted it, at home. I'm sorry. You had everybody there with you. Dad, me, Lisa, Leslie, Joyce, Judy, Ernie, Anthony, and Marty called you and I held the phone to your ear so he could have some closure. I hope you heard him. He loves you. Wow. The tears are free and can't rein them in. All these feelings of loss, sadness, wish I would'ves and such. Hard to type thru the blur.

heart ache.....

Hey Mom, It's been almost 2 months since you died. Tomorrow actually. It hurts.
 Last weekend we took you to the coast to sprinkle you at the beach. Boy, does that sound weird.... John and me had Eddie in our car. Papa took all three girls and Ernie. Leslie, Eric, Anthony, and Cassie went in their car. We met Joyce, Bill and fam at Sunset beach.
Daddy let Joyce pick the spot. It was a nice spot but.....not the right one. It didn't feel right. You need to feel the sand between your toes and the waves beat your legs. Feel the spray of the sea on your face. We had to hike a long uphill trail to get there, John carrying Eddie and the diaper bag, and then when we get there, the cliff was surrounded by a fence. I'm not taking my kids out on a cliff. I could just feel you telling me not to do it. So me and my fam left. My heart was so broken. I didn't get to say good bye that day. Daddy didn't know we had left, he was in his own world. So sad. 

Daddy misses you so much.

He had to hold you one last time.

Leslie read the passage you picked out of your book "The Prophet"

    

      (pages 87 and 88 out of the book The Prophet)
      Then Almitra spoke, saying, We would ask now of Death.
      And he said:
      You would know the secret of death.
      But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
      The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.
      If you would indeed behold the spirit of death,open your heart wide unto the body of life.
      For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.
      In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
      And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
      Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.
      Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shephard when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.
      Is the shephard not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
      Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?
      For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
      And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it   may rise and expand and seek God unemcumbered?
      Only when you drink from th eriver of silence shall you indeed sing.
      And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
      And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.

Bye Mom

So anyways........Daddy gave me the rest of your ashes and me and my family are going to take you over to the coast and have our own thing. I want to take you to the sand and the sea.
It was a beautiful day. Afterward, we all went to Horsfalls and played on the beach. Daddy got to fly his kites. We ended up having a long and fun day, despite my heartache.......

Hi.....

My beautiful mom, Linda

Well Mom, Here i am. I hope you get all these thoughts and stories. I am always thinking to myself when cool things happen, "I should tell mom", but then I remember....your dead. You left me. And then I cry. So I was hoping that if I was able to write to you, maybe it will help me get thru my day's and nite's..... I love you and miss you o'so much.